Why The Self Sabotage Feels Necessary
I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “necessary.”
Because when I see my anxiety flare up…
When I catch myself in self-sabotage…
It’s almost always because it feels necessary.
But here’s what changed everything for me (and for so many of my clients):
We started to question it.
(This email may be longer than usual — and if you’re in a self-sabotaging pattern, I suggest reading to the end.)
Just because something feels necessary doesn’t mean it is.
This morning, I heard my brain whisper:
“You didn’t work hard enough this weekend, so now you have to double your workouts. You’ve lost muscle. Your arms are gross.”
“You’re not moving fast enough this morning — get it together.”
And I could feel how those thoughts were trying to motivate me.
They felt necessary for more motivation.
But when I paused… I saw it.
They weren’t actually helping.
They just made me feel behind.
Like I wasn’t enough.
And the truth is:
I don’t have to rush through my day.
I don’t have to punish my body to prove anything.
That voice in my head?
It sounded true, but it wasn’t.
It was just practiced. Familiar. Old programming.
And that’s what self-sabotage really is:
A practiced set of thoughts that feel necessary, but aren’t.
Here’s what I want you to try:
If you’re stuck in a pattern of self-sabotage (which almost always means doing something against your own will), I really want you to take a look at the thoughts making that choice feel “necessary.”
We think it’s necessary to:
Overeat after one off-plan meal
Skip the gym when we’re tired or disappointed
Stay quiet instead of setting a boundary
Say yes when we mean no
Hate our bodies to motivate ourselves
Beat ourselves up to avoid making the same mistake
Let others’ happiness come before what’s best for us
Numb out instead of feeling the hard stuff
But those aren’t random behaviors.
They feel necessary because your brain offers thoughts like:
“You already messed up. Might as well keep going.”
“You don’t want to disappoint anyone.”
“You can’t make them angry.”
“If you don’t push harder, you’ll fall behind.”
“You haven’t earned rest.”
“Resting means you’re lazy.”
“This is just how you are.”
But here’s the truth I want you to hear:
The thoughts that feel most true are often just the most practiced.
Transformation begins the moment you question them.
What if the opposite was actually necessary? (this is what I always found to be the REAL truth)
✨ Necessary to love yourself more
✨ Necessary to feel your feelings and rest when needed
✨ Necessary to stop choosing shame and start choosing compassion
✨ Necessary to love your body instead of punishing it
✨ Necessary to set the boundary or policy
That’s where everything changes —
When you stop following your brain blindly…
And start questioning.
If you’re stuck in a sabotage pattern right now, here’s your invitation:
Ask yourself:
“What is my brain saying is necessary right now?”
“What if the opposite was actually the truth?”
“What else could be true?”
Get curious. That’s where the shift begins.
And if you want support in questioning those thoughts, rewiring what feels true, and choosing a new way of being — I’m here.
This is the work I do every day.
It’s powerful. And it works.
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With all my love and belief in you.