Why The Self Sabotage Feels Necessary
I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “necessary.”
Because when I see my anxiety flare up…
When I catch myself in self-sabotage…
It’s almost always because it feels necessary.
But here’s what changed everything for me (and for so many of my clients):
We started to question it.
(This email may be longer than usual — and if you’re in a self-sabotaging pattern, I suggest reading to the end.)
Just because something feels necessary doesn’t mean it is.
This morning, I heard my brain whisper:
“You didn’t work hard enough this weekend, so now you have to double your workouts. You’ve lost muscle. Your arms are gross.”
“You’re not moving fast enough this morning — get it together.”
And I could feel how those thoughts were trying to motivate me.
They felt necessary for more motivation.
But when I paused… I saw it.
They weren’t actually helping.
They just made me feel behind.
Like I wasn’t enough.
And the truth is:
I don’t have to rush through my day.
I don’t have to punish my body to prove anything.
That voice in my head?
It sounded true, but it wasn’t.
It was just practiced. Familiar. Old programming.
And that’s what self-sabotage really is:
A practiced set of thoughts that feel necessary, but aren’t.
Here’s what I want you to try:
If you’re stuck in a pattern of self-sabotage (which almost always means doing something against your own will), I really want you to take a look at the thoughts making that choice feel “necessary.”
We think it’s necessary to:
Overeat after one off-plan meal
Skip the gym when we’re tired or disappointed
Stay quiet instead of setting a boundary
Say yes when we mean no
Hate our bodies to motivate ourselves
Beat ourselves up to avoid making the same mistake
Let others’ happiness come before what’s best for us
Numb out instead of feeling the hard stuff
But those aren’t random behaviors.
They feel necessary because your brain offers thoughts like:
“You already messed up. Might as well keep going.”
“You don’t want to disappoint anyone.”
“You can’t make them angry.”
“If you don’t push harder, you’ll fall behind.”
“You haven’t earned rest.”
“Resting means you’re lazy.”
“This is just how you are.”
But here’s the truth I want you to hear:
The thoughts that feel most true are often just the most practiced.
Transformation begins the moment you question them.
What if the opposite was actually necessary? (this is what I always found to be the REAL truth)
✨ Necessary to love yourself more
✨ Necessary to feel your feelings and rest when needed
✨ Necessary to stop choosing shame and start choosing compassion
✨ Necessary to love your body instead of punishing it
✨ Necessary to set the boundary or policy
That’s where everything changes —
When you stop following your brain blindly…
And start questioning.
If you’re stuck in a sabotage pattern right now, here’s your invitation:
Ask yourself:
“What is my brain saying is necessary right now?”
“What if the opposite was actually the truth?”
“What else could be true?”
Get curious. That’s where the shift begins.
And if you want support in questioning those thoughts, rewiring what feels true, and choosing a new way of being — I’m here.
This is the work I do every day.
It’s powerful. And it works.
Mini Coaching Intensive ($247) —a powerful one-on-one, two-hour deep dive designed to help you get unstuck and create real momentum in whatever area of your life or business you choose.
6 Month Custom Personal Coaching Package - this starts with a free 60 minute consult where we’ll look at where you are, where you wish you were, and I’ll share exactly what we would work on together to get you there, to the version of you who holds your goals and your dreams.
GET ON MY CALENDAR FOR A CONSULT HERE
Both options help move you forward…faster.
With all my love and belief in you.
Your Brain Lies to You Every Day
Your brain lies to you every single day—not to hurt you, but to keep you small. Those lies look different for everyone, but here’s the truth: when you stop listening and start doing what you actually want, success becomes inevitable.
Here’s the wild thing about your brain: it lies to you every single day.
Not because it’s cruel.
Not because it doesn’t want the best for you.
But because it’s wired for safety, not success.
And safety often looks like smallness.
The Sneaky Nature of the Lies
These lies don’t come wrapped in neon signs that say: “Don’t grow! Don’t change!”
No, they show up in sneaky, believable ways. They sound like:
“I’ll start tomorrow.”
“I’m too tired today.”
“I’m not ready yet.”
“What if I fail?”
“This is just who I am.”
And because they feel reasonable, you trust them.
The truth?
They’re not reasonable at all. They’re roadblocks disguised as logic.
Why Your Brain Does This
Your brain’s number one job is survival. Growth, expansion, going after big goals—those things feel risky.
So your brain offers you thoughts that keep you safe, small, and in the known.
But safe doesn’t equal fulfilled. And small doesn’t equal successful.
What Happens When You Stop Listening
Here’s the shift: success is inevitable when you stop listening to those lies and start leading your brain instead.
When you take action even when your brain whispers:
“Don’t post that, people might judge you.”
“You’ll never stick with this workout routine.”
“Better not try, it might not work.”
And instead, you say:
“I’ll post anyway.”
“I’ll show up for myself today.”
“I’m willing to see what’s possible.”
That’s when everything changes.
The Truth That Sets You Free
Your brain will always offer lies to keep you small.
But you don’t have to believe them.
When you choose to do the thing you actually want—not the thing that feels “safe”—your life can’t help but expand.
Because the real truth is this:
Your success isn’t about talent, luck, or timing.
It’s about whether or not you listen to your brain’s lies.
Success is inevitable when you don’t.
The belief lid.
Picture a collection of fleas in a glass jar.
These tiny creatures, driven by their instinct to leap to extraordinary heights – up to a staggering 100 times their own weight, soaring as high as 20 centimeters – would naturally surpass the confines of the jar.
But then, a lid is firmly placed on top of the jar. Unfazed by this obstacle, the fleas, driven by their innate nature, now pound against the lid, only to be constricted by the lid and plummet back to the bottom.
Happy September, Y'all!
My business coach once told us this next story. She referenced it many times saying it was done by a scientist. Full disclosure: as I researched for this newsletter, I searched the web for statistics but found little about the actual study.
BUT, I literally believe whatever any of my coaches have told me. None of them have ever steered me wrong so now I offer it to you....
Picture a collection of fleas in a glass jar.
These tiny creatures, driven by their instinct to leap to extraordinary heights – up to a staggering 100 times their own weight, soaring as high as 20 centimeters – would naturally surpass the confines of the jar.
But then, a lid is firmly placed on top of the jar. Unfazed by this obstacle, the fleas, driven by their innate nature, now pound against the lid, only to be constricted by the lid and plummet back to the bottom.
Over time, they start to jump a bit lower, instinctively avoiding the painful collision with the lid. Eventually, they cease hitting the lid altogether.
Fast forward as they are untouched for three days, the lid is removed, and you won't believe what happens. The fleas, having learned the safe maximum height they can reach without injury, never again attempting to leap out of the jar.
Never again.
What's even more fascinating is that their offspring perpetuate this behavior indefinitely. The new standard of leaping height becomes ingrained and passed down from generation to generation. These fleas, in essence, have conditioned themselves to jump lower, convinced that anything higher is impossible, even when the opportunity is there.
Now, you might think, "What relevance does it have for us humans?"
Here's the twist...we humans possess an unparalleled advantage in the animal kingdom: our capacity for rational thought. Yet this is directly connected to our setbacks.
We are creatures of reason. Our beautiful brains are woven with intricate thought processes, ideas, and analytical capabilities combined with thought associations, memories and experiences. What we see in our surroundings, the people we interact with, the knowledge we acquire, all combine to shape our perception of our reality.
In essence, the environment we grow up in and live within molds our identity and influences our thought patterns or beliefs.
What paradigms have you created as a result of the setbacks you've encountered? What do YOU believe is your true capability? The ability to shape the life you aspire to lies within your grasp, but it is absolutely born in your mind first. Adversity is inevitable, but if you refuse to let these challenges dictate how you see your world, viewing them as temporary obstacles rather than permanent barriers, you'll be amazed at what you can really accomplish.
I ask you...where or what is your belief lid?
Expect miracles friends and jump a little higher,